Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
