Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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