You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
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I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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