Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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