What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
