I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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