taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
