also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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