This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
