Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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