I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
did i just pee glitter
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
