I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
