I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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