toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
