I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
