listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
