The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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