Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
