there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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