K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
