We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
