Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
