Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
