I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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