forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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