Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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