i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
