I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
only if we run a train.
done.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
