i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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