we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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