I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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