I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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