you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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