You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
