o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
