omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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