cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
