Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
