my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
