Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
