You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
