just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
