How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
