i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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