I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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