He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
