I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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