"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
