I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
