woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
