he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
