this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
