The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
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You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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