I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
