Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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