Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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