she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
