I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
