I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
